Confessions of a pornstar,,,

I know, you’ve already made up your mind about me even before you begin reading what I have to say. I’m a porn star. That itself stereotypes me as a bad girl. Does having sex in front of the camera for professional reasons mean I can’t be a nice human being and lead a normal personal life? True. Being a porn star brings imbalances in your life and relationships,
especially with your family.

I’m an Indian Muslim girl from Gujarat. My parents moved to London in the ‘60s. My family is very conservative, but I grew up as a rebel. But, l et me tell you, what I do for a living doesn’t dictate who I am. I get hate mails by the dozen, everyday people call me to say: they want to kill me or they’ll shoot me. But I’m not ashamed of myself. I’ve been working in the adult industry for two years now and I love what I do. I don’t hide under false pretences.

If you think porn stars are exploited, you’re wrong. We’re here by our free will. We’re paid extremely well. I have to work extremely hard for the money I earn. I speak my mind freely, I’ve done an article for Sun and a documentary for Channel 4 on my life. I’ve just finished an interview with Men’s Vogue and a photo shoot for Mayfair magazine. Everybody wants an interview with me. They want to know the darker side of my life.

I’m getting invited to top talk shows on television and radio. I can say that in the cult of global celebrities, porn stars are the latest addition. We’re suddenly in the spotlight, writing books and advising people on how to make love like a porn star. Suddenly, there’s unexpected acceptance about our work.

No, I never had a moralistic debate about whether I should be a porn star or not. I needed the extra money, so I went ahead and did the movies. So far, I’ve done about 70 porn movies.

Just before joining the adult entertainment industry, I was a model and worked for French Connection. I’ve had a very conservative upbringing. I couldn’t even meet boys or talk to them when I was growing up. I wasn’t allowed to go for parties either. During my teenage years, I was crazy about fashion. I dreamt of wearing the sexiest outfits by world-famous designers.

Now, I think working for porn movies is exciting. I’m an actress, there’s somebody who does my make-up, hair and I’m ready for action. While shooting, I often think of shopping, fixing my tap at home or what I’ll have for dinner... Most porn actresses are educated, intelligent women, and you can’t abuse us just because of what we do.

I don’t drink or smoke, and I don’t harm anyone. I don’t do drugs and I didn’t get abused when I was growing up. I’m a normal girl. I’m not a hypocrite. When I was working for French Connection, I was wearing hijab... I tried to be religious. I accept that I’m a Muslim. There aren’t many Asian Indian women like me, but I’m not an object, I have feelings. I believe sex isn’t bad, it can’t be suppressed. Looking the other way doesn’t mean people won’t have sex or will stop watching porn.

In London, Asian men typically will watch porn at home, but won’t accept a porn star for a girlfriend! An Indian being a porn star gets extreme reactions. That’s the reason I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m an open and different girl, and that’s something men don’t like. Being a porn star doesn’t mean I’m a prostitute, I don’t sleep around in my personal life. I’m better than other girls like me, who pretend to be sweet and docile and live secret lives of sin. But most men can’t believe that. I’d rather date someone who sees me as a person and not just a body. That’s the reason I’m always honest about my profession with men I meet.

Do I want to get married? Of course! Let’s say, if a guy falls in love with me and wants marriage, I won’t resist it. I’m not consciously trying to bring disgrace to my family. Initially, I didn’t tell my parents about my work. One day, my cousin was watching Babestation, the soft porn channel in the UK, and happened to see me. His wife informed my parents. Today, my mother and brother don’t talk to me. My father calls up once a month to find out if I’m okay. Anyway, I’ve stopped caring about what anyone will say or think. If parents could accept the choices their kids made, there would be fewer cases of depression, suicides and honour killings in Britain.

I’m 31 now, I want to make money for four years and then direct some porn movies. At the end of the day, being a porn star isn’t glamorous, it’s just a job done. Initially, I would think, ‘Gawd! I can’t do this’. But that’s the initial hiccup. After that, you don’t think too much. Sometimes I have to work with men I don’t like. Then, I just concentrate on their feet or hands and mentally switch off.

I can understand why people would want to kill me. Asians would have certain expectations from me. But I want to assure them that I’m proud to be an Indian. I’m religious, and I love going home to India every two years. Being a porn star doesn’t make me less of a human being, daughter or friend. These are some of my honest confessions. I’m not hurting anyone. Is it fair to target me just because I’m a porn star?”

The Song of the Self

Nor earth nor water, fire nor liquid air,
Nor ether, nor the powers, nor these in one;
Undifferentiated, in dreamless perfect rest,
That, the One, final, blest, alone, am I.

Nor castes nor their divisions, rite nor rule,
Are mine, nor fixing mind and thought and mood;
No longer dreaming things not Self art 'I' and 'mine,'
That, the One, final, blest, alone, am I.

Nor mother, father, nor the gods and worlds,
Nor Scriptures, offerings, shrines are there, they say,
In dreamlessness abandoned by the lonely Self;
That, the One, final, blest, alone, am I.

Nor sectary of Cause or Lord or Life
Knows That, nor follower of Saint or Rite,
In perfect union, pure of all but Self,
That, the One, final, blest, alone, am I.

Nor upward, downward, nor within, without;
Nor midward, backward, That, nor east nor west;
All-present everywhere in partless unity,
That, the One, final, blest, alone, am I.

Nor white nor black nor yellow, That, nor red;
Nor small nor very great nor short nor long;
Formless, yet like a light, a star;
That, the One, final, blest, alone, am I.

Nor teacher, teaching, learner, what is learned;
Nor thou nor I nor this expanded world;
Conscious of its own form, from error free,
That, the One, final, blest, alone, am I.

Nor waking, mine, nor dream, nor dreamless sleep;
Nor fire of life or heart or seeing soul;
These three are of unwisdom; but the fourth,
That, the One, final, blest, alone, am I.

Even expanded for the sake of Self --
Self, that, still perfect, on no other rests --
All the wide world besides is little worth.
That, the One, final, blest, alone, am I.

Nor is this first with any second to it;
Nor lonely this, nor yet has it compeers;
Nor is this secondless One void or filled with aught;
How shall I tell this perfect wisdom's crowd?

In the Hours of Meditation...

The Voice, making itself heard in the stillness of meditation, said :

'Terrible is the bondage of this world. Difficult is to escape from out the net of Maya. Life teaches us that in order to live truely one must go beyond life, one must conquer death. This is the supreme task, and the way to this conquest is through the victory over those physical instincts that lead unto death. I speak deeply to thee, my son, asking thee to keep wide, wide awake and pay heed to all that which comes to tempt thee. The only way in which to progress spiritually is to anticipate the faintest rise of temptation. Keep strict guard over thy mind. Constantly bust thyself that which is great and noble. In this manner thou shalt gradually make thyself free.

'When temptation comes, it often comes, as it were, of a sudden, before the mind has time to become aware of what is happenning. One is apparently hurried on to the point of yielding. All saints understand this. Therefore they anticipate evil thought; defeating its strength and the possibility of its rising by strenuos good thought. By thought is one made and unmade. Beware, then, that thou dost think good thoughts.

'Remember that it is the mind which thou must keep constantly buoyed up. Never let it be idle. Idleness is the counterpart of the evil, the nest wherein it bears itself most fruitfully. Beware of idleness. Take life seriously. Realize the shortness of time and the greatness of the task of Self-unfoldment before thee. Now is thy time, now is thy opportunity. Bitterly shalt thou repent if thou dost allow thyself to drift carelessly into conditions of limitation and struggle, worse than those in which thou dost now find thyself. Be worthy of a better future, a better birth, by making thy present life a success of the spirit.

'The world abounds with death. The law of Karma is inevitable. Take heed, lest death find thee in the midst of thy sinning, and lest Karmafollow thy yielding to physical desire with increased bondage and dire misery. My son, after thou hast once tasted of the nectar of immortality, how is it possible for thee to feed on the husks of swine?

'Yet, do not be alarmed. The Grace of God is greater than mountain-loads of sin. So long as thou dost believe, so long is there hope. But the way is almost infinite in length. Think of the lifetimes necessary for the complete eradication of the evil, for the final transformation of the human into the divine consciousness. Canst thou, then, not understand how seriously thou shouldst labour for thine own good? And if thou dost love me, wilt thou not, for my sake at least, try to reach the Goal? How long have I waited for thee to be made whole and struggle manfully! I have yearned for thy righteousness. I shall always stand by thee; I shall always love thee, but thou must shake off thy lethargy. Come out of thy moral slothfulness; come, be a man!

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Written by : Frank Alexander, a direct disciple of Swami Vivekananda.

Expectations

Human are the creators of their own destiny. At least that’s what today’s confident people want to believe. Gone are the days when we went on doing our work only because we had to. A farmer’s son had to be a farmer, so for a potter, so for a milkman, so for an engineer & a doctor. But they have grown individual identities, they have learnt to voice their own opinions, frame their own expectations of life.

Expectations are as inherent to our everyday life as soul is to the body. This reflects in everything we do, we think, we dream. Suppose, I want to have an ice-cream. Here what do I expect? I expect my desire to get fulfilled. From expectations lead to desires, desires lead to attachment, and attachment leads to all the miseries of life. But we can’t help it. After all, we are humans. Emotions, passions, desires, attachments, expectations are all the keywords for a human, right?

Sometimes, we think we are wise to hail a “Don’t-care” tag. But no matter how hard you try to push yourself to the edge, but still you want to hang on. Take this: I have a fascination for photography from my childhood. I saved my pocket-money to buy a Kodak KB-20 camera. But later my uncle proposed to give a Nikon automatic camera on the proposal that I give away the former to my sister and let her do what she wants with it. I agreed. But still today when I find that in a miserable condition, covered with dust, I feel a silent pang in my heart. I feel safe when it is with me.

These are all very small things that even don’t matter after awhile. But when it worsens when it comes to the most complicated thing in human life: relationships.

There are a lot of expectations in each and every relationship we have. We expect our friends to be loyal, to respect our sentiments, to keep our privacy, to show us sympathy, to lend a helping hand in times of need, to let us share the unspoken words, to inspire us. Friends make a separate world for us altogether, without them there would be a huge void in each of our lives.

But when it comes to love, the expectations are boundless. At that stage of life, when we are mature enough and have enough strength in our hearts to love, we have already grown some expectations of our life, an image of our dream soul-mate, and also some fundamental opinions and principles in our lives. When it becomes incompatible with the person we’ve fallen for, we cannot change our ways of thinking, instead we try to change the other person!

But here is the fallacy! We love a person when we love everything about him/her. From the way she smiles, she dresses, to the way she itches and burps! If we try to change the person, then it implies that we haven’t completely loved that person. We just have seen the already built ‘image’ of our soul-mate in her, and we try to make the image more pronounced by trying to change her. Seems like she’s just a Barbie in our hand, waiting to be turned into anything we want!

Expectations are all ‘private-properties’. They are to be ‘expected’ only but not to be imposed. If you do not like the person as he/she is, then you never liked him anyway. Let your expectations play at your own garden and don’t let them invade the others’.